DESTRUCTIVE HABITS IN RELATIONSHIPS AND MARRIAGES

ANOTHER DESTRUCTIVE HABITS IN RELATIONSHIPS AND MARRIAGE:

1. NAGGING

Truth is we all nag about something; it only becomes excessive when you nag about everything. How to cope with a nagging spouse? LISTEN WHEN SHE TALKS: For many relationships, nagging occurs because your partner feels you ignore her feelings/concerns. Start by listening when she talks. Ask what she wants. Your spouse might be nagging about the dishes in the sink when she is really upset about something else. She might want you to take her out to dinner and the dishes are just how that complaint is manifesting itself. Share the chores: If your spouse is nagging about housework, she probably has a point. Does she do all the chores alone? Your spouse wants to be your partner not maid. She works too so complaining you worked all day devalues the fact that she did too. Provide constructive responses. Avoid telling her to stop nagging. Most women hate nagging as much as you hate them doing it. Instead of saying she nags. when talking together, setting goals/making promises, provide her with some constructive criticism. Say to her, “When you ask me to do something, I will do it but in my own time when you repeat yourself I feel that you don’t trust me.

2. ANGER:

 Anger on its own isn't destructive but what you do, how you react, is what makes it destructive. Everybody has to deal with anger from time to time. But what’s the best way to handle it? First what is anger? Anger is an emotion often characterized by feelings of great displeasure, indignation, hostility, wrath and vengeance which leads to explosive angry outbursts. Anger can have a useful purpose if listened to and leads to dialogue/constructive problem-solving. However, anger can either create more anger or withdrawal, both of which interfere with effective communications. .Unbridled and unpredictable tempers interfere with emotional safety and trust when spouses need to engage each other on emotional issues. The issues behind the anger get lost as angry response is perceived as unjust and unwarranted. It's intimidating and controlling. .Some women compare living with an angry husband to living near a volcano, which one lives constantly expecting something to go off. How do you help/deal with a spouse who has anger issues? More than anything, your husband needs to know that you’re on his side, that you’re not against him. You need to communicate, more than you probably think necessary, that you accept and love him, even with his angry issues. Separate the actions from the man; affirm the man. Make him know that you’re satisfied with him and willing to walk him through. Appreciate him and don't nag him. It’s estimated that upwards of 90 percent of men today are angry in their jobs to some degree. Most of them feel fortunate to be working, but not satisfied feeling less masculine because they are not in control of their lives. Be a wellspring of appreciation for work that he does and the living he provides, you will lift some of the pressure from his life. Find many ways to say, “I appreciate that you work hard at your job and that you hang in there even when it’s frustrating and tough. Also pray for your spouse, constantly and continually keep them in prayers soon your prayer will catch up on their behavior.

3.HABIT:

Habit is a routine of behavior repeated regularly and tends to occur unconsciously, something done often in a regular/repeated way. Please note unconsciously, until it is done repeatedly, it doesn't qualify as a habit. Relationships/marriages answers to what you put in. The quality of your relationship/marriage is a product "investment" into it. If you complain that your spouse is nasty, and you choose to INVEST nastiness in return, you'll get the nastiness in folds. Destructive Habit - #Domineering attitude. This type of person tends to be overbearing, controlling, likes to Lord over the other. This behavior often creeps unnoticed into a relationship, as initially it can appear to be caring and romantic. For instance, a controlling man/woman may choose something from a menu for their partner which could be seen as a romantic gesture. However, if someone always insists on choosing, whether their partner likes the choice or not, this is no longer healthy. Living with a dominating spouse can be frustrating. Especially when you love the person and separation is NEVER an option. A spouse who loves to "lord" your life is insecured. This behavior can often turn abusive and troublesome as time flows. Wife says to Husband. Honey can we go by 4 pm? Husband replies Why? for what? No we go at 3! This attitude destroys relationship. This attitude makes your partner withdrawn and often bitter. They feel that they don't have a say in the relationship. How do you cope if you have a domineering spouse? Key factor is Patience. Patience is a key to a balanced relationship.This means being able to keep your cool in tense situations and maintaining a courteous behavior towards your domineering partner. Showing your spouse this calm behavior has also a great chance of influencing your partner. NEVER fight back or be domineering in return because your conflicts will only get worse if this happens. A domineering behavior can make the other spouse feel unhappy, inferior. In this case, communication is very important. Let your partner know how you feel about his attitude towards you and in your relationship spell it out subtly and calmly. Make him or her realize that you are a team and not one is or should be powerful over the other and assure them of your support. A team means working together to achieve goals and not competing against each other. At the same time the domineering partner should endeavor to work on his or her domineering attitude because we are still human and there is a limit one can endure.
 4. DISHONESTY
 Dishonesty in relationships/marriages strangle compatibility. It destroys credibility. It shows disrespect. It violates trust and trust is a critical requirement for any relationship. It is one of the common reasons for breakups/separations. When lies is part of the relationship, there is little hope of making successful adjustments to each other and as a result tears couples apart. You must be honest about your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, personal history, daily activities and plans for the future. In fact some people feel "justified" lying. Dishonesty is a bad thing, there is no question about it. It is not just enough to desire a great marriage, we must work towards it. Anything that works is worked at.

MAKING RELATIONSHIPS AND MARRIAGES WORK!!!

Marriages and relationships are based on the law of input and output, you put in small, you get small! You put in a lot,you get a lot. You put in trouble, you get trouble! You put in love, you get love. You put in nothing, you get nothing! Most marriages and relationship fail because certain partners expect the other to meet their needs, while they enjoy life! For marriages and relationships to be at the best, you must put in your best! One key feature of great marriages and relationships is this: both parties are committed to putting in their very best. When you think ALL you need to do to have a better marriage/relationship is to get another partner, you are wrong! For marriage and relationships to work, you must make it your priority to make it work! Put in your best.

One major cause of marriage and relationship issues is selfishness! Selfishness is concern primarily with one's own interest,benefit and welfare regardless of others. When a partner is selfish, marriage/relationship can't work because continually he/she will put their interest ahead of the other. Love isn't selfish, when a partner is selfish it makes a monster of the partner. A selfish partner is primarily obsessed with what he/she will get. relationship is give and take. A selfish partner is hard to love/be vulnerable with because he/she will take advantage of it. Great relationships and marriages always think/talk WE and US, while a selfish partner always thinks I and ME. If you are not willing to share your life, you are not ready for true love. If you are not ready to sacrifice to make another happy, then you don't want a great relationship/marriage. The degree you are willing to adjust determines the degree of happiness to be enjoyed in your marriage/relationship.

Another key factor in making marriages/relationship work is PATIENCE. Every marriage/relationship has it's own cycle phase and seasons. Patience is what helps you at this time. Impatience has destroyed relationships, ruin homes and left many lonely forever. Impatience has made many make permanent REGRETTABLE decisions based on temporal circumstances. Patience helps you become tolerable of the others weakness as they work on them. Patience helps you endure during challenging times in hope of a better future. Patience is a very attractive quality in a man/woman, it gives you "staying power". Sometimes in every relationship, things go really bad and sour, only the patient ones get to see a turnaround. I just want to encourage the married people going through a tough time.Sometimes all you need is patience it will soon pass. Please note, patience is no excuse for abuse of any sort, most times abusive relationships are never ending cycles of sad stories. Prioritizing marital relationship success is the key to successful marriage and relationship.

WHAT I WISH SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME BEFORE MARRIAGE!!!

If I’d known these three things before I married, I would've been much better prepared.

When I was single, I regularly asked my married friends to share their advice on what it took to have a happy marriage. Almost every response was a variation of the same, foreboding theme: “Just remember this: Marriage is hard work.” That was it — no further explanation.

My friends made marriage sound so depressing, and I regularly went on rants about how their input annoyed me. I was looking to these people for inspiration, and it sounded like they were trying to talk me out of getting married.

Now that I've been married for five years, those conversations don’t seem so off-putting, because I finally understand why my friends felt compelled to rain on my parade: They knew me. They knew I was idealizing marriage, and they knew I was headed for major disappointment if I didn't figure out that marriage was going to challenge me in ways I wasn't prepared for.

But anyway, I wasn't listening to them. I was listening to my imagination, and it was telling me that I was different. I wasn't going to have to learn the hard way, because I had what it took to be a good husband from the get-go.

And then I got married.

If only I could go back in time and talk to myself, I would explain that marriage is not only hard work, it was going to be especially hard work for me. I’m fairly certain my old self would've tuned me out because I didn't express supreme confidence in his non-existent marital skills, but just in case he would've listened, this is what I would've said:

1. You are hard to live with.
I hate to break it to you, but you’re actually very hard to live with, and the reason you’re so unaware of it is because you've lived by yourself for most of your single life. So the only person you have to get along with is you. That’s easy.

You occasionally bump into difficult personalities, and you assume it has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. If you actually lived with other people, you might begin to see that difficult relationships can’t always be the other person’s fault. It might have something to do with the fact that you’re both insensitive to the needs of those around you, and you’re hypersensitive to people who challenge you.

Here’s how that looks in your everyday life: You insist on having your way far more than you realize; you distance yourself from those who don’t appreciate you; and you take your 25-year-old opinions far more seriously than they ever deserved.

Well, I've got news for you: That lovely wife you've been daydreaming about isn't going to let you get away with this. She’s going to be a strong, self-respecting woman, and she’s going to share some of the feedback you've been missing out on while living alone. You will accuse her of being hyper-critical, rebuke her for being disrespectful, and resent her for noticing the truth. And for a while, that will successfully insulate you from the positive effects of her feedback.

The good news is that eventually, you’re going to turn a corner. In your first year of marriage, you’ll have the good sense to make friends with married mentors, talk to them frankly about your marriage, and ask for their feedback. And when those men tell you the painful truth that you've been hearing from your wife, you’ll feel shame at first. But with their support and your wife’s love, you’re actually going to begin the life-long process of embracing humility.

2. You’re kind of a chauvinist.
Let’s be frank: You think you’re above chores. You grew up around a saintly mother who did a lot of the household work without much help from you, and you felt proud of yourself if you even mowed the yard.

After several years of living in an apartment, you don’t even have to mow. And when it comes to domestic housework, you leave dishes in the sink, you don’t sweep the floor, you don’t make your bed, and the toilet, oh, my goodness — anyway, let’s just stop there.

Your laziness alone will cause a great deal of strife in your marriage. But what will really cause friction is what’s behind your laziness: that is, you don’t like to do woman’s work. Like, you’re sort of a chauvinist. Go on, admit it — you wouldn't mind at all if your wife spent an hour cooking a good meal and then let you read a book while she did the dishes. And the reason you wouldn't mind is because you associate sinks, mops, brooms, and vacuum cleaners with women.

Brother, listen to me: That is a problem, and it’s not just a problem because it belittles women. It’s a problem because it speaks volumes about the fact that deep down inside, you see your wife as your servant. But don’t worry — she’s going to pick up on that very quickly and insist that you treat her like an equal partner, not an employee. Unfortunately, you will resist mightily.

Back and forth the two of you will go until, one day, about two years into marriage, you’ll have a sponge in your hand, scrubbing the gristle out of the frying pan, and you’ll realize you’re doing it because it’s your job. It will also eventually occur to you that it’s not fair for you to work from a cozy office 45 hours a week, come home to a good meal, and then expect her to clean up everything after having a couple of toddlers hanging on her all day long.

The next thing you know, you’ll find yourself voluntarily sweeping multiple times a week and taking out the trash before it’s falling out of the can. That is, you’ll finally begin to see that you and your wife are there to serve each other until the job is done. And wonder of wonders, when that day comes, marriage will get easier, and you’ll discover that it’s actually a big turn-on when you’re helpful around the house.

3. You’re marrying a broken woman.
The single greatest thing that will make marriage hard work for you is letting go of your expectations of your wife. You've got a laundry list of qualities you want in her and — good news — she’s actually going to have many of those qualities. But she’s also going to bring faults and character issues to the marriage, and dealing with those will test the limits of your patience.

We don’t need to get into the specifics of what those flaws will be, because it doesn't matter. What matters is that you understand that you are far more broken than you realize, and you’re going to marry a woman who’s far more broken than she realizes.

I’m not going to lie: You’ll struggle from the get-go and wonder why marriage is so hard, but the good news is that there will be more to your marriage than struggling. You’ll travel together, pray for each other, comfort one another in sorrow, and make each other laugh. So don’t worry: You will like each other, despite your frustrations with each other.

And as for those frustrations, there’s even better news: You’ll both start taking them to Jesus, but He won’t let you get away with finger pointing. He’ll take those frustrations and use them to reveal the impatience, the pride, and the unforgiveness in your own hearts.

It won’t be pretty at first, but over time, you’ll begin to see that you’re the answer to each other’s prayers. And I’m not talking about your repeated prayers for a spouse. I’m talking about those times you asked the Lord to help you grow spiritually.

When the two of you prayed for that, I suspect He smiled and said, “You want to grow? Oh, you mean you want a spouse — hold on, help is on the way.”

GOD'S PURPOSE OF CHRISTIAN COURTSHIP!!!

Courtship time is the period a Christian brother and sister agree to marry one another till their wedding day. Scripturally, no time period is specified e.g. Isaac and Rebecca courted for few minutes (Gen. 24:62-67) which Jacob and Rachel courted for Seven years plus (Gen. 29:18-28). A lot of times, circumstances usually dictate. However, it is advise that courtship should not be less than six months and should not be unnecessary dragged for too long. It is therefore advised that brethren are ready before committing themselves into courtship. The purpose for  courtship are as follows:

1.   Gaining better knowledge of each other

-          Know one another as much as possible

-          Exchange ideas and information

-          Discuss with each other on various topics

-          Meet your in-laws, relations and friends/co-workers

-          Arrange for your parents (on both sides) to meet.

2. Togetherness in the fear of the Lord

-          Do things together

-          Learn new things together

-          Worship together

-          Pray together

-          Fellowship together

-          Visit together

-          Spend together

-          Decide together

1. It is a period to seek knowledge (Hosea 4 vs 6) from:

-          The Bible

-          Christian literatures on marriage

-          Christian marriage counselors/pastors

What type of knowledge is required?

-          Details of marriage and family life

-          God’s counsel and principles on marriage

-          Marital roles and responsibilities

-          Christian warfare in marriage

2. It is a period of effective communication in which:

-          You engage in active discussion

-          You observe one another closely

-          You listen attentively to your partner

-          You take note of information from friends, parents, brethren and pastors.

-          You visit one another at home, at work, and in the church.

Things to discover about one another:

-          Personality profile

-          Family background

-          Social tastes/friends

-          Life history

-          Future ambition/Christian calling

-          Temperament

-          Leadership ability

-          Sense of humour

-          Use of tongue

-          Reaction to good and bad news

-          General comportment during unguarded moments, i.e at play.

-          Attitude to the following:

i)                     Money

ii)                   Jewelries

iii)                  Correction/ disagreement

iv)                 Instructions/ Obedience

v)                   Respect

vi)                 Discipline

3. It is a period to reach agreement on certain issues (Amos 3:3) such as:

§  The type of wedding you want

§  Where to live after the wedding

§  Which church to attend

§  Nature of work and where to work

§  Size of family etc.         

4. It is a period to develop your companionship ability. You assess how compatible you are, and try to adjust or adapt appropriately:

§  Socially

§  Educationally

§  Family status

§  Emotionally

§  Professionally

§  Identifying with one another

5. It is a period to give and receive through :

§  Sharing together

§  Buying gifts for one another, parents, relatives and friends.

6. It is a period to plan your introduction, engagement and wedding ceremonies.
7. It is a period to plan for your future home.

§  Prayerfully

§  Building one another up in  the word of God

§  Sharing God’s vision that would be fulfilled together

§  Children and old age

PROACTIVE COMMUNICATION A KEY TO SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE!!!

‪What is communication? 

Communication means to overcome the desire to conceal feelings and thoughts and rise to the level of talking about money, fears, wishes, motivations, sexual feelings and responses, mistakes made, resentments, and misunderstandings with the intent to resolve them

How often do you communicate with the person you are in a relationship with? How sincere is your communication with him/her? The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand, we listen to reply. All relationship problems stem from poor communication. Communication ceases when the need to conceal becomes stronger than the desire for unity. Your marriage will become a happy, mutually satisfactory one if both of you set your sights on unity.

 

A happy marriage is not possible without communication that reveals, with reasonable certainty, how the other feels and thinks about a given action or situation. Communication is to love and relationships what blood is to the body. Nothing is more vital in a marriage than encouraging and appreciating your spouse. Be sure to tell your spouse, ''I love you'' everyday and show that love by your actions. It heals a lot of wounds. Communicating love and expressing admiration in both words and actions can enhance every marriage. Good intentions are not enough in a relationship. Communication is the key. Learn your communication style. Don't can't survive where there is communication in marriage and relationship.

 

Hearing and recognizing the voice of the Lord, is the most important aspect of our relationship with Him. This is because every relationship depends on communication. It would be difficult for a relationship where there is no communication between the parties to prosper. If your communication isn't effective what good is it? Improve your communication and have Peace and Harmony at home. Enhance your relationships today with effective communication! Effective communication is a foundation key to health, happiness and success in relationship and marriage. Develop a positive character and have effective communication with your spouse! Our Character and Communication determine our relationships. Our relationships determine true Success. Character and Communication are activities we must work to be better at and continuously develop daily.

Why is communication important in relationships and marriages? 

Communication makes relationships and marriages sweet. You fall in love by communication and you sustain it also by communication. Lack of communication brings confusion. The Bible says in Amos 3:3, "Can two walk together except they agree?". You can only agree by communication. Have you noticed that when relationship turns sour, the first thing that jump out of the window is communication. Couples practically stop communicating. When you avoid discussing issues, it will slide into radioactive mode. Emitting fire gradually until one day it burns down the house. But proactive communication saves stress.

 

 ''Can two work together except they agree?'' when two people come to the place where they have the same mind, the same judgment, the same outlook, and the same goals, yes, they have given up their individuality, but they don’t lose their creativity. The relationship is centered on cooperation rather than opposition. They are working together. Once couples learn to talk to each other about what's bothering them in a respectful manner is the beginning to effective communication. Poor Communication is often the primary problem in marriages.

Why must we communicate in Relationships and marriages? 

1. To pass basic information. 

2. For partnership. 

3. For conflict resolution- this level requires intense communication. and a lot of men avoid it. 

4. For connection- you cannot connect if you don't talk for conflict resolution. 

5. Personal information and revelation- here you talk about what you feel inside. 

6. For intimate communication- this has to do with sex and that's where the men want to be. 

Barriers to why people avoid communication?

1. Sarcasm. 

2. Harshness. 

3. Insensitivity.

Asking question is as powerful as prayer! Always ask question in your relationship for better understanding and an enhancement for easy communication. Every crisis in a relationship can be dismantled with enough questions. Do not keep mute and get yourself worked up because you do not want to lose your partner. If the person leaves you because you ask question, then they do not deserve you!