HUMAN LOVE!

There is what most of the world thinks of as love, which is human love.  This is not really love; rather in truth it is what we call: “I will love you if you love me back”

How many marriages have ended when one party or the other stopped getting what they wanted from the other person? Whether it was money, affection, attention, etc. the “love” they had for their mate was predicted upon by some kind of reciprocal return.

“Lust” is the training wheel of human love.  Human love is like the bicycle that allows you to move around in the neighborhood enough to learn there is something more than business deals, bargains and contracts.Human love is directed to the other person for his own sake.  It has little regard for truth. It desires the other person, his company, his answering love but it does not serve him.  Human love cannot love an enemy, that is, one who seriously and stubbornly resists it.

Human love makes itself an end in itself.  It creates of itself an idol which it worships, to which it must subject everything else it nurses and cultivates; it loves itself and nothing else in the world.   This type of love is based on empathy, responsibility, commitment, and concern for something. You will also, argue that marriages based on human love always do not have happy endings.  Staying with a person under the same shelter requires a lot of adjustments, patience and understanding from both parties.  Even after you spend hours with each other, situation after marriage is totally different.  At the onset, when two people are in love they are at their best to impress each other.  They behave, they talk and they wear what the other person likes.  It is after marriage that you get to know the person behind the mask.

Man’s emotions are not a reliable gauge upon which to establish a marriage relationship.  Hence, we must know in the spirit that it is God’s will.  It is much better to marry for character than for emotion. Emotions fluctuate, character doesn't. Emotions are in the soulish realm, and unless the carnal mind has been renewed (Born again and be filled with God’s Spirit), Satan can take away his emotion or feelings of love to someone else. If you are looking for someone to marry, you must seek those character and strength that will help you make wise decision and not just physical attraction that will make you feel good before the world.  Not everyone who looks good is pleasant to live with.  Physical attractiveness without discretion will do more harm than good.  Charm is deceptive and beauty is vain but the man and woman that fear the Lord shall be praised and is under the umbrella of God’s constant protection and provision.

The main reason why people make a wrong choice in marriage is the simple fact that when they fail in love initially, it creates emotion that empower “REASONING”.  Too often they hurry to develop an intimate relationship based on their strong feeling.   Feelings aren't enough to support a lasting relationship.  Do not force romance lest the feeling of love develop faster than the commitment to make love last thereby beclouding your sense of judgment and the ability to make a right choice. If you enter into marriage blinded by physical attraction, you will be rudely awaken not long after, when the full character of your spouse becomes evident. The romantic love which brings two people to the marriage alter is not that which successful marriages are built upon.  The kind of love that is truly romantic is that love which is developed during the course of a life together with someone whom you have worked hard with to claim that lasting love.

A marriage without Christ can never experience the spiritual bonding God brings to relationships.  It is good to be married. God created marriage for our enjoyment and He pronounced it good.  Until you are born again and made holy in your heart and conduct, you cannot please God or be a complete blessing to your partner.  You only live together as civil pagans.  Remember, God’s commands have the highest reason and obedience has the greatest sweetness.  Keep the Golden Rule in your marriage.  Righteousness abroad will not excuse wickedness at home.

PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE!

A married man was travelling in an aircraft and he was wearing his wedding ring on a wrong finger and someone notice and pointed his attention, sir, you have your wedding ring on a wrong finger and the man say don't worry is because he married a wrong woman! It is not because he married a wrong woman but because he did not prepare for marriage. The marriage you did not prepare will confuse you when you get there! It is preparation that determines your experience.

People take time to prepare for everything. They take time to go to the university and study about rat and the animals but when it comes to marriage they think they do not need to do anything, all they need to do is just find a partner, match to the altar to be joined together. You don't prepare in the marriage, you prepare for marriage. You don't learn how to shoot a gun in the battlefront, you learn to shoot the gun before the battle begins. There is a difference between a wedding and a marriage. Wedding is not marriage. Wedding is an initiation into marriage. The elaborateness of a wedding has nothing to do with the success of a marriage. The success of any marriage thrive on how prepared you are before marriage. When preparation meet with opportunity it results into success. Every marriage that is succeeding today was adequately prepared for!

HOW TO PREPARE FOR MARRIAGE:

1. Acquire knowledge! Read Bible and materials that will help you know what you are getting into. It takes knowledge to dwell together. Marriage is all about meeting needs. It is not about taking advantage of one another. It is not about oppressing one another. There is a certain needs in a man's life that he cannot meet by himself, likewise the woman. So God created a marriage platform for a man to meet the woman's needs and the woman to meet the man's needs. That is what marriage is all about! The only way to understand gender difference is to access knowledge. (1 Peter 3:7). When you read you will have knowledge of the male and female gender difference to know the reason why men behave the way they do and why women behave the way they do. Women are created with verbal power, their power is in their mouth. They can talk for 24hrs. Is a virtue. God created them like that. It takes knowledge to dwell together as husband and wife. Many couples are simply living together and not dwelling together. Men are people with few words. They are logical being. They are also thinking. They believe in actions. Because he is always thinking he does not have time to talk too much. This is the reason for so many friction in marriages today. When needs are not met there is discouragement and tension. But when needs are met there is fulfillment, joy and gladness. Go for knowledge! What you do not know you will suffer for it. 

2. Develop quality relationship with God. Marriage was created by God to be enjoyed and not to be endured. We should be patient and allow God teach us the principles of success in the relationship because God knows what it takes to succeed. Love is not enough.The conflicts in relationships is not the absence of Love but the lack of wisdom and understanding of the word of God concerning marriage and every other relationship. So get wisdom and with all your getting get understanding! Proverbs 2 vs 6 says, "The Lord gives wisdom and from His mouth comes knowledge and understanding" You cannot succeed in marriage without having a personal relationship with Jesus to be able to function with full capacity in satisfying each other's needs.

3. Discover God's purpose for your life. We are not a biological accident, we are here on earth for a purpose. When you don't know where you are going to anyone is free to direct you. So take time as a single to find God's purpose for your life. God has an assignment for you and it will help you in your choice of a partner.

4. Cultivate quality character! It is character that sustains beauty and destiny! It is character that sustain beauty and destiny. Without character one's beauty will turn to ugliness within a short time. It is character that will sustain your marriage. Character is like a smoke you cannot hide it, it must show up. So instead of hiding it, deal with it. Find those negative attitude in you that is capable of destroying your marriage and do something about it. The underline function of character is CONTROL. If you don't control it, it can go hire wire and run out of control that will eventually destroy your marriage. LEARN TO EXERCISE CONTROL! 

5. Take care of your outward appearance! Many people have become heavenly minded that they are not aware of what is happening around them.

When a couple come together is a beginning. When they Keep staying together is progress. When they constantly Work together with a singleness of purpose is success.

MAN'S FIRST GIFT FROM GOD IS NOT MARRIAGE!!!

1. SPIRITUAL NATURE AND CHARACTER!
The first gift for man or woman is not marriage or relationship. Yo need to know that you are created in God's image and likeness. The first thing to be concerned about as a single man or woman is your SPIRITUAL NATURE AND CHARACTER. What you need is to find YOURSELF, not a wife or seek for a relationship/ What most people know about themselves is their name they bear and where they hail from, you need to find yourself and be secured in the knowledge of who you are, have a healthy self-esteem and self'image. And the only way to go about it is to find it in God. You need to be confident in who God has made you. This confidence is only drawn from God. Never take your confidence in what you possess like money, car, social status or educational status/qualification. When you marry someone with self-esteem or self-worth that marriage will lose trust and faithfulness because you will always be defensive. Marriage is at its best when two God-like people get married.

2. LIKENESS!
In Genesis 1:26, God says "Let us make man in our image and in our likeness......."  Likeness means to be like God. The purpose for which God made us in His LIKENESS is so that we can function like Him. Proverbs 25:28 says, "A person without self-control is like a city without fence" Anyone who does not know who he or she is becomes a fair game for someone else to mould into another image. Until you become whole you will always be dependent on other people for self-worth. Single state is the time to become like God so that the man or woman coming into your life for relationship will see unadulterated love in you. You also need to work on your appearance, your speech and general outlook. To have a very good, attractive and pleasant LIKENESS you have to work on your mouth. Learn to speak confidently for yourself so as not to depend on others for approvals.

3. GOD'S PRESENCE!
Before Adam needed the presence of another creation, he enjoyed the presence of the Creator. The first presence that you need in your life is not that of a boyfriend or girlfriend; but the presence of God. Imagine someone who just got saved and he is just getting to know God and within 3 months he wants to go into a relationship. Such a person will carry his or her old character into the relationship because he or she is yet to mature in the spirit and has not learned more about God's nature and His likeness has not fully formed in him or her. You need to use your single state to know more and more about God, your intending spouse should found you in God's presence. The glory of God's presence is a defense. His glory covers us and ensures we are not self-conscious and selfish. The glory of God should be your focal point not the flesh. Anyone who wants to marry you should meet you in God's presence and be able to see His glory in you.

4, WORK!
You need to be hardworking and diligent in what you do. You cannot afford to be lazy. You must have goals and dreams you are working towards. You must not be someone who lives without "no future ambition". You must be diligent at work and diligent in seeking God because at this stage of your life. you have a lot of time and you need to use it accountably. Even though you do not have work or gainfully employed you have gifts and talents, you need to creatively engaged.

5. CULTIVATION OF GARDEN!
To cultivate means "to bring out" or "to nurture". If you have not nurtured yourself, you cannot nurture somebody else. You need to first bring out the best in you so as to be able to bring out the best in somebody else. You need to cultivate yourself in order to cultivate someone else and make him or her better and nit bitter. Before starting a relationship you need to first of all consider this; are you a weed that will choke the relationship or a rich fertilizer that will help cultivate and nurture it. Fertilizers improve the quality of what you planted in it but weed stifles the quality.

6. PROTECTION!
You need to develop the capacity to defend and protect the interests and lives of those under your care. You need to be able to safeguard people's dignity, interest and confidence no matter what. You learned when you are already married but must develop this quality in your single state.You cannot be a talebearer.

7. THE WORD OF GOD!
It is only in the word of God that any relationship can maximize its full potentials. This is because marriage and relationships are two concepts of the heart of God. For you to get the best out of it, do not play with the word of God. That is where you get the image and the likeness that He wants you to get. That is where you get the real life and build strength of character which will sustain your relationship and marriage.

WHEN YOU DEVELOP THESE QUALITIES YOU ARE RIGHT FOR RELATIONSHIP AND MARRIAGE!!!.

CAN A SINGLE PARENT RAISE GODLY CHILDREN?

Can a single parent raise godly children?

YES!  You can raise godly children. As a Christian all you need do is to break out of single parent dysfunction junction and have the family of your dreams. Your children are destined to be more than “kids-gone-wrong” society statistics. They have infinite potential to rise for above loneliness, rejection, dejection, depression, stigmatized traits and disadvantage.

Single-parented children can make sound choices, respect others, resist negative pressure and create an uptrend of doing the right thing. It starts with your determination to say “NO” to the status quo and your resolve to give new and significant meaning to the term “family”. As a God fearing parent, you will learn how to pull your children out of the dysfunctional swamp and into whole living. Avoid “morale” decay and raise your children value quotient. Free your children, resurrect their hopes and dreams, reduce the impact of negative influence and lead them to Christ and keep them walking with God. Identify vulnerabilities and deal with the tough stuff kids are into.

No matter how inadequate you may feel as a single parent, no matter how many doubts you have about the future of your children, the Bible offers hope. Make your home one that draws on the Bible for decisions in life. Develop a plan for introducing your children to Christ and helping them mature in their faith. Make the Bible and Jesus Christ central to their lives. Help them get to know Him and learn to make godly choices.

Where children of single parents differ from the children whose parents live together is in what they experience because of divorce, separation, desertion or the death of a parent. These children experience great pain and confusion. Not only is their lost relational but it often involves financial, social and educational setbacks as well. Their security is shaken, and often they do not know who they can trust- even their relationship with God can be affected. So as a single parent, your children need you to provide stability, direction and relief from the pressure they are feeling. They need you to be a godly parent and a source of strength and security in their lives. This process will demand growth and development in your life. And to do that these are few non-negotiable that will help you.

First, deal with any unresolved issues in your heart:

This is especially important to the divorced and separated. If you are bitter or angry, if you have an unrepentant heart, your attitude will affect not only your life, but your children as well.

Heb 12:15 says “See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God, that no root of bitterness springing up cause’s trouble, and by it may be affected” Most often, because of the pain and trauma of separation and divorce, single parents become the unwitting source of the poison of bitterness in their children’s lives. Dealing with the unresolved issues means taking responsibility for your failures, mistakes and sins you made that led to your separation and divorce, and ask for God’s forgiveness. Then, you will need to release any and all bitterness and forgive your ex-spouse “just as God in Christ also have forgiven you” (Eph 4:32).

Pursue an on- going, harmonious relationship with your ex-spouse:

In custody situations, no matter who wins or who gains the custody, there are no winners or losers. Both parents must maintain a constant relationship with the children.Your attitude towards your former spouse and words that you chose to use will have a lasting impact on your children’s perspective of their other parent. As much as you can, work together with your ex-spouse to harmonize your parenting and establish common parental goals, disciplinary standards and routines. Sometimes a single parent will wish the non-custodial parent would disappear- but the children need to know their parents. And in those situations the single parent needs to apply grace and encourage the relationship. On a practical level, this will mean applying to your ex-spouse the principle Jesus calls the second greatest commandment, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” Matt 22:39. Also let the words of Peter in 1 Peter 3:8-9 govern your behavior.

Make a special effort to control your tongue as you talk to your spouse. If difficult conversation or disagreements occur, do your best to handle those privately, away from the eyes and ears of your children.

Become a part of a community of believers:

Single parents must avoid getting isolated, which will tend to happen when they are exhausting nearly all resources of time, finances and energy in seeking to make a living and raise their children alone. God intends for single parents and their children to experience His love, mercy, grace, provision and kindness through the local church. In this way, the local church truly becomes a new family for the single parents and their children.

In a community of believers you can find other parents who can serve as a role models and even mentors for your children. A young son without a father needs someone to look up to, someone who can come alongside him and show him how to be a godly man.

Develop a game plan for instruction and discipline:

Children in a single-parent home often take advantage of tired, emotionally worn parents and skilfully manipulate them. Avoid creating an environment in which “anything goes” and in which discipline and proper instruction are lacking. Some single parents feeling sorry for what they have experienced in a separated/divorce, over-compensate by giving too much freedom. You have to set boundaries for your children in relation to moves, dating and related matters. If possible, work with your former spouse to set limits and boundaries so that you do not send mixed signals to your children. But if your ex-spouse is too permissive, then you must commit your children and the situation to prayer.

If you have more than one child, schedule special individual time with each of them:

The purpose of this time is to make sure that you’re connecting with them by spending quality fun time that each child enjoys. This individual time will help give them an outlet for processing their feelings for sharing in safety and confidence their fears, pains and frustrations.

Schedule times alone and place your hope in God:

Single parents need time alone to reflect, pray, meditate on God’s word, heal and commune with God. In these times God will refresh and recharge your batteries back to the double charge you need in order to be the parent you need to be for your children. Ensure those times alone, your children are under the care of a loving friends or family and church family because children benefits by being exposed to loving friends. Ask God to give you the help and wisdom you need to raise your children. Remember the warning and promise of Psalm 127:1 which says “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who builds it”. Make God the focus of your life and of your family.

Finally, single parents keep up fighting the fight of faith and with God on your side you will finish your parenting assignment well above all facing steep obstacles.

SHOULD BOYFRIENDS AND GIRLFRIENDS RELATIONSHIPS BE ENCOURAGED AMONG CHRISTIANS!

Before we look into this topic Biblically, let us check the dictionary meaning of boyfriend and girlfriend:
Boyfriend is an intimate male friend; a man with whom somebody has a romantic or sexual relationship!
Girlfriend is a woman or girl sweetheart or lover; a girl or woman with whom somebody has a romantic sexual relationship! 

The first question to be asked is of what purpose is the relationship with someone of the opposite sex when you are not physically, mentally and spiritually ready? Too, what does Bible say about boyfriend and girlfriend? Let us look at the following scriptures; 
1 Corinthians 6:18, it says "Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body"
1 Thessalonians 4:3-5, it says, "For this is the will of God, your sanctification that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in that passion of lust like the gentiles who do not know God"
Mathews 5:28, it says, "But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart"

From the dictionary definition, boyfriend and girlfriend to the world is when a man and a woman are romantically and sexually involved together. So the word boyfriend and girlfriend should not be used among Christians. Christians are free to be all they can be for God, but they are not free from God. God created sex to be a beautiful and essential ingredient of marriage, but sexual sin—sex outside the marriage relationship—always hurts someone. It hurts God because it shows that we prefer following our own desires instead of the leading of the Holy Spirit. It hurts others because it violates the commitment so necessary to a relationship. It often brings disease to our bodies. And it deeply affects our personality, which responds in anguish when we harm ourselves physically and spiritually. A Christian man or woman is not to consider entering into a relationship if he or she is not spiritually matured enough to fulfill his/her God-given responsibilities in a marriage! You should be matured enough in age and in life!This does not mean becoming spiritually perfect or finding someone who is spiritually perfect. Only Jesus was this way!

Before you are matured to go into a relationship that will lead to marriage, a Christian man should engage himself in developing the qualities of a Christian husband who will love his wife as Christ loved the church, while a Christian woman should engage in developing the qualities of becoming a biblically excellent wife that will submit to her husband!

A person who is matured enough to go into a relationship is one who is committed to follow God's plan for as godly marriage which includes expressing romantic and sexual intimacy only in marriage. And he or she has an ability to change and adapt personal habits, perspectives, attitude and the like in order to show love and concern to others. He or she has the ability to work through problems with others rather than seeing oneself as the victim and the other person as the perpetrator. he or she has the ability to control his or her emotions and direct them according to what is Biblically appropriate. When all these characteristics are in you, you then look for them in any potential life partner. You don't go into a relationship when you have not develop the above characteristics in your life, not perfectly, but enough so that you possess them on a regular basis in your relationships with other. "Considering relationship" is a time to solidify in your mind and heart that you are mature enough to marry or not mature enough to marry,

A Christian brother or sister is not to pursue a serious relationship until they are ready to marry. Instead invest your single years in a service to the Lord. There are reasons why people should devote their energies to something other than finding girlfriend/boyfriend. Until people are mature to marry, they should not be in a serious romantic relationship but should use their energies to mature. When a brother and sister are in a serious relationship when in their heart they know that they are not ready for marriage yet, there is every tendency that they will commit fornication because of the closeness. Sometimes, you might be tempted to sleep together to know if you are sexually compatible. 

You don't have to sleep with a woman to know if both of you are "sexually compatible." Sex is meant to complement a relationship, not be the most important aspect of it. It's supposed to be the icing on the cake when all the other aspects of your relationship are working well. Sex will be good if the rest of the relationship is good. when you place sex as the determining factor of the relationship, it will probably result in poor sex. When you focus on the other parts of your relationship, and the sex isn't the focus, then you will have a more enjoyable sex life. Do not allow the excitement of youth become a barrier to your closeness with God and make you focus on passing pleasures instead of eternal values. Make your strength available to God when it is still yours—during your youthful and single years. Don’t waste it on evil or meaningless activities that become bad habits and make you callous.  Paul in 1 Tim 5:1-2, tells young Christian single men to treat young Christian single women like sisters. It is not sin for two single Christians to enjoy time together, enjoy one another's company, getting to know one another so that they can see if there is possibility of a more serious relationship that leads to courtship and marriage.

Ultimately, the goal of a Christian (not called to singleness) is not to have a boyfriend or girlfriend but to have a spouse. When Christians get involve in having boyfriends and girlfriends for the fun of it when they know they are not ready for marriage or to see if they are marriage compatible and when it doesn't work out they discard and look for another, it got to show your insensitivity to God and His commandment and at the same time telling Him to stay out in that area of your life. Only God knows what is best for us and He is committed in giving us every thing we need to enable us live a godly life. Devote yourself in  serving the Lord and He will guide you in making the choice of a right partner when the time comes because prudent wife is from Him. Proverbs 19:14