GODLY HUSBAND!

Here are seven virtues necessary to becoming a godly husband as I picked from the Bible.

Virtue One: Selflessness. Men, in general, tend to be selfish and it is one of the reasons that marriages are failing in greater numbers. A godly husband is selfless, like Jesus. He never focuses attention onto himself, but rather always on the Father and then His bride (the church). A godly husband will follow that example by focusing his attention on God first and then his wife. John 5:19-20 “I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself. He does only what he sees the Father doing. Whatever the Father does, the Son also does. 20 For the Father loves the Son and shows him everything he is doing. In fact, the Father will show him how to do even greater works than healing this man. Then you will truly be astonished.”

Jesus taught husbands how to be servant leaders and that is what every marriage needs. I believe you should learn from Jesus, as He would first go to the Father for instructions and then focus on the needs of the people. Husbands as you go to God everyday for instructions just as Christ did, He would help you to see how you could serve your wife every day, by showing you what you could do that day to make your wife’s life more enjoyable.

Virtue Two: Humility. As a whole, men tend to be prideful. Men are taught from an early age to be strong and self-reliant. Yet, God is not looking for self-made men; He is looking for men who will humble themselves to His will, just like Jesus did. Jesus humbled himself and set aside His God-nature in order to be a man. In order to become a godly husband, you have to put your pride and ego aside, and submit yourself first to God and then to your wife. Instead of lifting yourself up as the priest of the household, begin to honor your wife and exalt her as a beautiful and wonderful God-given helper. Godly men are humble servants to God and their wives. 1 Peter 3:7 “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.”

Virtue Three: Loving. I often hear men say that they have fallen out of love with their wives. This is because they are trying to love their wives in a worldly love. The Apostle Paul taught about a different kind of love in Ephesians 5:25; “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” This is a spiritual love that is unconditional and sacrificial and only available from God. God said in order to love your wife the way Jesus loved the church, you must first come to Him and be filled with His love. Then you could go to your wife and let His love flow through you to your wife. Love is not a test. It is an emotion, just like pain and happiness. You can only express it, you cannot prove it. It is something that has to be felt and experienced. Love is not something that can be proved, unless you use scientific brain scan and test chemical levels in your body. Even with that it still cannot be very accurate.

Virtue Four: Kindness. Wife abuse has become a huge problem in the world, even in Christian marriages. Some have never hit their wife, but many husbands are an emotional abuser. They don’t use their fists, but their tongue. Proverbs 18:21 “The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences””Husbands can speak life or death to their wives with the words they use. As you begin to learn to be a godly husband, the Lord will teach you to engage His spirit before letting your tongue loose. Kindness is a real key to becoming a godly husband. Each day you should strive to be kind to your wife. Compliment her looks, surprise her with flowers, a gift, or fix her dinner. Give her short love notes and special cards that tell her how special she is to you. Take her on creative dates and every once in awhile do the chores she usually does in your house. A godly husband realizes how kind God has been to him and funnels that kindness to his wife.

Virtue Five: Gentleness. The world’s image of a man is rough and tough, but a wife would rather have a gentle husband. Jesus modeled the perfect man by being both strong and gentle. Jesus is the pattern for manhood. And husbands are called to be the same. Husbands are to be Lionhearted and Lamb-like in their home because they are called to lead like Jesus who is the Lion of Judah. Revelation 5:5 “But one of the twenty-four elders said to me, “Stop weeping! Look, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the heir to David’s throne,* has won the victory. He is worthy to open the scroll and its seven seals.” and the Lamb of God Revelation 5:6 “Then I saw a Lamb that looked as if it had been slaughtered, but it was now standing between the throne and the four living beings and among the twenty-four elders. He had seven horns and seven eyes, which represent the seven-fold Spirit* of God that is sent out into every part of the earth.”. He was lionhearted and lamb-like  strong and meek, tough and tender, aggressive and responsive, bold and broken-hearted. He sets the pattern for manhood.

But to some it is not yet crystal clear that the concept of headship involves leadership as its main meaning and that is the case. The key verse on headship here is Ephesians 5:23: “The husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior ” So the husband is to take his unique cues in marriage from Christ in his relationship to his church. A husband bears a unique responsibility for leadership in his marriage. Many men struggle with control and anger problems. They want to be in control and when they cannot achieve it they explode like a volcano, permanently damaging anyone who is around them. In order to become a godly husband, you must allow the Lord to teach you first that He is the only one truly in control and then how to let your emotions out in other ways through conversation, prayer, and even tears. Yes, real men do cry! Over time.

Virtue Six: Honesty. Our world is full of dishonesty and so are many marriages. Trust is a huge area for women and most husbands have done things that have strained that trust. A godly husband will always tell the truth. Little white lies will damage a marriage, as will leaving out key details that you feel she does not need to know. Anything that even looks remotely dishonest to your wife, can lead to damage in your marriage. Godly husbands will be honest and up-front with their wives in all areas. And realize that God made her as a helper and in order for a wife to do that, there can be nothing hidden. Proverbs 12: 22 says “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in those who tell the truth.”  Proverbs 19:1 says “Better to be poor and honest than to be dishonest and a fool.”

Virtue Seven: Faithfulness. Infidelity, even in Christian marriages, is on the rise. Unfaithfulness falls into two categories physical and emotional. Most often, men think of physical unfaithfulness as a sexual affair. However, this area also encompasses relationships with other women where you are sharing intimate information that should only be shared with your wife. A godly husband never shares his body, or mind with a woman other than his wife. The second is emotional unfaithfulness. Many husbands get to a point in marriage where they do not feel sexually fulfilled and rather than discuss it with their wives, they turn to pornography. Because there is no physical contact, it seems ok. However, Jesus said that if we look at women with lust, we have committed adultery. Pornography is rampant, even in Christian marriages and it is tearing marriages apart. Mathew 5:27-30, “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’* 28 But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 So if your eye—even your good eye*—causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your hand—even your stronger hand*—causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.”

A godly husband makes a life-long commitment to give himself physically, emotionally, and spiritually to his wife alone. The devil is doing his best to tear down marriages and his focus is on the husband, knowing they are the priest of the household. God is also working hard to teach men how to be godly husbands, so that they can enjoy a loving and passionate marriage. You have a choice: To love your wife the way the world loves and let the devil tear your marriage apart or invest your time with God and let Him teach you how to be a godly husband and enjoy a wonderful, fulfilling marriage. A husband’s proof of love is his willingness to invest his time and passion to protect his wife.

The continual flow of love that is needed between a husband and wife starts with the husband. Let me explain. The number one need of a man is companionship: having his wife as his playmate in those things that interest him and give him relaxation and pleasure. But that is not the number one need of a woman. The number one need of a woman is affection. Because the number one needs are different for a man and a woman, it presents a problem. That is, if a husband naturally expresses himself to his wife, he will overlook her needs to fulfill his own. And if a wife naturally expresses herself to her husband, she will overlook his needs to fulfill her own. A MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP IS BASED UPON SOMEONE GIVING UP HIS/HER NUMBER ONE NEED TO SATISFY THE NEED OF THE OTHER.  A husband's acceptance of his role as protector of his family is the true measure of his manhood.

 

MARRIAGE: A JOURNEY OF TWO PEOPLE

As the race to eternity is a journey that involves individuals, marriage is a journey of two people walking to model Christ and the church. Human beings were created in the image of God, but marriage was created in the image of Christ and the church. Therefore as man is required to imitate God (in being holy and living for His glory), marriage is to imitate the relationship between Christ and the church, with the husband imitating Christ (the sacrificial servant-leader) and the wife imitating the church (joyfully submitting to the sacrificial servant-leader). The primary purpose is to accomplish a very important goal which is to use marriage to help shape a husband and the wife into the image of Christ. Marriage is very much like a long Journey. A journey of discovery!

Let us look at this scenario; A couple set out on a long journey from their abode, let say Lagos State to Abuja, Nigeria capital city with a full knowledge of their destination. They boarded a bus going to Abuja with much excitement and anticipation to get there without any hiccups. Then along the way the driver diverted to another route leading to another town. What do you think will be the reaction of the couple? First, even though their marriage is now on trial, here they are on the same side because they know where they are going. I believe there reaction will be similar because both of them know exactly the road to Abuja. They will stick together even in midst of opposition and ensure that the driver is back on the right road to their destination.

 But what happens if they do not know where they are going the time they left their adobe?  They will follow the driver to anywhere he takes them because, 1. They are totally ignorant of the journey they have embarked on. 2. They do not know their destination when they left home. 3. They will assume the driver knows where they are going. 4. The driver will take them to where he is going since they did not make known their destination to the driver. 5. Finally they will find themselves in a  strange land believing the place is actually where they are going. Would you say here that they achieve their goal? Definitely NO! 

Let us envisage that one of them knows where they are going and the partner does not know. What do you think they will do the moment the driver diverted from the right route?  First, the journey itself has produced unexpected difficulties. Secondly, their resourcefulness and unity are being put to a test. What happens here will determine if they will get to their real destination or the one that knows their destination discontinue the journey or both follow the driver to wherever he takes them to. What will keep them on the journey, even when it looked like they couldn't take another step, is their commitment to do it together. 1. The one that does not know must believe and trust the one that knows. 2. The one that knows must correct in love, be patient and tolerant, be able and willing to teach and carry the partner along the best pathway so as to get to their destination.  One question begging for answer is, in a situation where the person that knows the destination has done all within his/her power to make the partner to see reason and he/she is headstrong, should the believing person continues with the unbelieving person to the strange land so as not to offend the world or should alight from the bus? Marriage is not an end but a means to an end. If the means to get to the end is being destabilized and dislodged by unscrupulous elements who wants to terminate your destiny, you have to alight from the bus because what is important is getting to your destination. Your destination must not be compromised or exchanged for anything in this life. Marriage is a journey of two people to model Christ and the church, but when the destination is being threatened by the storm of life and your partner refused to be on the same page with you to overcome the storms, I advised that what Bible said in Mathew 5: 29-30 which says; “So if your eye—even your good eye*—causes you to lust, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. “And if your hand—even your stronger hand*—causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” should play out here. When Jesus said to get rid of your hand or your eye, he was speaking figuratively. He didn't mean literally to gouge out your eye, because even a blind person can lust. But if that were the only choice, it would be better to go into heaven with one eye or hand than to go to hell with two. We sometimes tolerate sins in our life that, left unchecked, could eventually destroy us. It is better to experience the pain of removal (getting rid of a bad habit or something we treasure, for instance) than to allow the sin to bring judgment and condemnation. Examine your life for anything that causes you to sin, and take every necessary action to remove it.

The church believes that these verses must be obeyed except in a marriage relationship. When couples are facing challenges that even threaten their life and their relationship with Christ, they are encouraged not to leave because their marriage is for better for worst. They should stay together and work it out for God hates divorce. What is important to God is the soul of the people in the marriage and not the marriage itself. Malachi 2:15-16 is always being quoted to buttress the reason why couples must not divorce even when their life is being threatened. It says; “Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his.* And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. 16 “For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,*” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.” Divorce in these times was practiced exclusively by men. They were disloyal to their wives and ignored the wedding vows they had made before God, thus corrupting his purpose for them to rear godly children who love the Lord. Not only were men unfaithful to their wives, but they also were ignoring the fact that this bonding relationship was an illustration of their union with God. It was that premise this statement “I hate divorce” came about.  In verse 16, God did not only say He hates divorce and He equally says in the same verse “guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.”  

Churches stress so much on the consequences of violating the former giving less attention to the latter thereby making it less important. Unfaithfulness is a very grievous offense that can lead to divorce. What God hates is what leads to divorce and not the divorce itself. God instructed the men to guard themselves; always remain loyal to your wife, which means they are to have the same commitment to marriage that He Himself has to his promises for his people. Our passion should be reserved exclusively for our spouse.  When God instituted marriage man was without sin. But sinful nature of man distorted the very essence of marriage. Divorce itself is not the greatest destroyer of marriage, but rather, lack of love. Given a chance, love always wins.

A marriage between a man and his wife is like Chinese and English language. An English man will not understand a Chinese man unless he understands and speak his language. The same goes to a Chinese man! In a marriage the emotional love language of a couple differs as Chinese from English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you will never understand how to love and across your message to each other. You must be willing to learn your spouse’s primary love language if you are to be effective communicators of love. A husband and wife have the same primary emotional love language they express to each other, but the message does not come through because they are speaking what, to them, is a foreign language. But once you discover, understand and apply the language of your spouse, you will discover the key to a long lasting marriage.  

LINES OF AUTHORITY

1 Corinthians 11:4-5 says; “A man dishonors his head* if he covers his head while praying or prophesying. 5 But a woman dishonors her head* if she prays or prophesies without a covering on her head, for this is the same as shaving her head.” What do these verses imply? Why must a man not cover his head when praying? Why must a woman cover her head when praying?  Many people have misconstrued these verses to mean tying of scarf. Therefore, when a woman is praying she should tie a scarf, if not she will be dishonoring her head. The scriptural meaning of these verses are not something physical, something we can see and feel but spiritual.

These verses are a figurative statement showing a line of authority between Christ and man, and between man and woman. Christ has authority over every person. But in marriage, He has authority over the man and the man has authority over the woman. The submission of man to Christ is spiritual and the submission of woman to man is physical. The reason being that man cannot see Christ physically but a woman can see man. So, it is the man that connects with Christ spiritually, while the woman connects with the man physically.  Also, Christ is the source of new life for the believers. But in marriage, He is the source of man and man is the source of woman. It is on this premise that the Bible says “the man is the image and the glory of God and woman is the glory of man.” Therefore, when a man prays he connects with his head- Christ. His prayer opens up the heaven for the release of heavenly blessings for the family, God’s divine protection, favor, and guidance. When he does not pray he disrespects, disconnects himself from his head and as well shuts the heaven’s gate against his family.

A man receives direction from Christ and gives direction to his wife, and that is what empowers him to rule her. A man is what Christ makes of him and the woman is what man makes of her. In a Christian marriage, God only sees the man because he is the candlelight of the Lord in which He searches the inward part of his wife.  This is the reason why when Adam and Eve sinned in the garden and God came to call them to account, it didn't matter that Eve had sinned first. God said, “Adam, where are you?” (Genesis 3:9). That is God’s word to the family! Adam, husband, father, where are you? If something is not working right at your house and Jesus comes knocking on the door, he may have an issue with your wife, but the first thing he’s going to say when she opens the door is, “Is the man of the house home?”

In the above verses man and woman have one thing in common, both are called to pray. While the man’s prayer keeps the family connected to Christ, the woman’s prayer protects the home.  A woman’s prayer alone is not enough to secure and safeguard her family. Even though, her prayers can sustain the family and keep it intact and everything will look Ok on the outside. But the spiritual covering which the man provides will be lacking making his family vulnerable to an attack or possible damage and worst still open to physical or emotional harm. No matter how long a woman prays, until the husband prays too, they are not totally free from the devil’s onslaught.  We fight not against fresh and blood but against principalities and powers. And Christ has given the authority and the mantle to the man of the house to fight and overcome.  Husbands rise up and use the authority and power bestowed in you to protect your home from devil’s onslaught.   Your depreciation of authority depreciates the authority of Christ. If you are not born again and do not make effort to develop a relationship with Christ, you lack the capacity to operate with this power. 

In providing money and other needs of the family, a man is only fulfilling an integral part of his obligations to his wife and children and not securing them from the devil’s mayhem.  Many families are in disarray today, not because the man of the house is lacking in his responsibilities towards his wife and children but because there is a disconnection between the man and his source. The spiritual overrides the physical! Life without Christ is full of crises. Until a man is spiritually in charge, there would continually be a crack on the wall of his home for the devil to lynch his missiles. ‎"Money can't buy happiness and protection the family desires; it can, however, rent them".  If money is all that a man believes they need, then he will be poor, poor in happiness, poor in all that makes life worth living." A home established on gospel principles is a place of refuge and safety, where the Spirit of the Lord can abide, blessing family members with peace, joy and happiness..

WARNING SIGNS TO LOOK OUT FOR IN YOUR MARRIAGE

There are warning signs to look out for which shows that the relationship is headed for bigger trouble which you must make a move to salvage before it gets out of hand;

1.Be on the look out for those little things that bother you about your partner - those little annoyances that are not life shattering issues. Your man may leave the bathing towel on the floor or your woman may leave the lights on during a sunny day. Two days ago she had said something to hurt your feelings. This is tension building up and it is resistance. Resistance is built by those little things. With time the resistance will build up until you will start feeling resentment.

2.With resentment, you are not only annoyed but angry. You start feeling frustrated, critical thoughts against your lover, a little more unloving and a bit more distant from your lover. With resentment, your sex life starts to change as your anger is killing your passion. With time, the resentment builds up and turns into rejection.

3.Rejection is separation. You may be living together but in the real sense your hearts have separated. At this point you hardly see each other. There is a lot of fighting or criticizing your partner. You start telling your friends things critical of your partner. If you have not separated then you are fantasizing about leaving. There is no more sex life in rejection and you keep telling yourself that was it not because of the children you would have left a long time ago. If you survive rejection then with time you will enter into repression.

4.Repression is numbing yourself so that you can be comfortable. You comfort yourself by accepting that things are not all that bad, you are too old to experience romance, anyway, or that we are staying together with this “beast” just because of the sake of children. This repression tension will successfully repress your joy in life. Fortunately, when you get into repression point, you will appear very content. You may never argue with your partner and you may behave very politely towards one another. People will envy your relationship until one day you will get divorced.

5.Couples, be on the lookout for the signs of resistance, resentment, rejection and repression. The moment you notice a little tension building up, communicate your feelings with your partner. This will heal the tension that is creating that wall between you. Acknowledge all that emotional tensions that might be there. Treat each other well regardless of the age of your relationship as honeymoon has no time limit. Life is very short and enjoyable only if you are happy and free.

LOVE AND RESPECT

Ephesians 5:33 "So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." God commanded husband to love his wife with agape love ( unconditional or godlike love) but designed the nature of the wife to love more naturally at the level of intimacy. Therefore, God reveals to a man that he must work harder at loving his wife than his wife works at loving him. What she does by nature (created by God to no significant credit to herself), her husband must do under divine command and with a greater struggle (a struggle God allows, to no fault of the husband). God commanded a wife to respect in a way that he does not command a husband to respect. WHY? She respects less naturally than her husband. God does not command a husband to respect because God designed him to live by an honor code. It is within his nature to conduct himself respectfully. A wife does not naturally show respect when she feels unloved, whereas she loves naturally. she disrespects naturally.

In a similar way, husband loves less naturally when he feels disrespected, whereas he respects naturally, he does not love naturally. He naturally shows harshness and hostility when his wife shows him disrespect. WITHOUT LOVE SHE REACTS WITHOUT RESPECT AND WITHOUT RESPECT HE REACTS WITHOUT LOVE. No one denies we need love and respect equally. But generally speaking and based on Eph 5:33, wives love more easily than they respect and husbands respect more easily than they love. That is why the scripture commands husband to love his wife and commands wife to respect her husband.Thus, she has a greater felt need for husband's love and he has a greater felt need for his wife's respect. Just like we all need water and food equally, a wife has a felt need for love and a husband has a felt need for respect too, but if we reject this idea, we will fail to understand what is happening in the spirit of a spouse, and our spouse will fail to understand us.