I believe marriage should be enjoyed and not endured. First, what is marriage? If you cannot define what marriage is from God's own point of view, you will never enjoy but endure it. A lot of women are stuck in a loveless marriage today simply because the society expects them to endure it no matter what they may be going through. But is it what God wants for us? The woman is often told not to abandon her home because she is the one that is responsible to make the marriage a success. A friend was once advised to be like a shock absorber for her home. The gentleman offering this counsel forgot that even shock absorber wears out and sometimes needs a replacement. In our society today especially in Nigeria, a woman is often blamed for whatever goes wrong in her marriage or even a relationship. She is often admonished to be patient and not allow another woman to replace her. She may be ostracized if she decides to walk out of a loveless marriage. And Proverbs 14:1 is always quoted to buttress their point. It says “Every wise woman buildeth her house:
but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.
This passage of the scripture has been misunderstood to be that what makes a
woman wise is her ability to take care of the home, cook good food for the
husband as good food is the way to the man’s heart, keep the house clean, look
good for the man, submit to him and raise the children. All this in itself are
good but is not what makes a woman wise. There are women who perform all these
responsibilities but there is no peace at home. Let’s us look at this scenario of an Architect
and a Builder. The architect who is a building designer, designs a house brings
in a builder to build the house according to his design. While the builder is building, he is there
supervising and giving his moral support and corrections as well to ensure the
house is built according to his specification. At the end, both of them team up
to build a solid and a strong house.
Here the architect is the husband, the wife is the builder and the house
is the man’s vision. What makes the woman wise is her ability to build upon the
man’s vision that was given to her by him and with his support and the fear of God;
they build a strong and lasting house. She wouldn't have done it better without
the help of the man. The intrinsic thing
here is that both of them stood and weathered the storms of life together. Most
men that marry do not have a vision for their wives to build on and when
problems erupt the women are always to be blamed. The foolish woman is the woman who works
against the vision of the man. The man’s vision is the boaster of his destiny.
Meanwhile, the man is made to believe that he can do and undo; the lord and master of the woman. Unfortunately, it is equally the woman who has created the monster who has become the bane of our lives. The woman has being informed right from childhood that she has being created to serve the men folk and often reminded at every given opportunity that the man is her covering, her crown and without this covering; she will not amount to much. However, what kind of covering is a man who cannot meet the needs of his family? What kind of covering is an adulterous and lecherous husband giving his wife except that of a venereal disease? This misconception of what a woman is to the man is what is tearing marriages apart today. In Gen 2 :18 it says “and the Lord God said, it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help mate for him” and (Gen 2 :22 – 24) says in vs. 22 “and the rib which the Lord God had taken from the man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man” vs. 23 “And Adam said, this is now the bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh, she shall be called woman because she was taken out of man.” Vs. 24 “therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave to unto his wife as they shall be one flesh.” Vs. 18 says that it is not good for the man to be alone so for this reason God intended the union of a male and female to fulfill their need for companionship. God established marriage for companionship. In vs. 22, a woman was created from the rib of a man which indicate that the woman is a not taken out of the man’s head to be lorded over him, nor from his feet to be trampled on him, but from his side to be equal with him, from under his arm to be protected by him, and from near his heart to be loved by him. But the men want the women behind them as they believe that that is the mark of respect as a result their ego will not be trampled upon. The man and the woman are partners together in a holy union with God. In vs. 24, God gave marriage as a gift to Adam and Eve. They were created perfect for each other. Marriage was not just for convenience nor was it brought about by any culture. It was instituted by God and has three (3) basic aspect
1)
The man leaves his parents and
in public act, promises himself to his wife.
2)
The man and the woman are
joined together by taking responsibility for each others.
3) The two are united into one in the intimacy and commitment of sexual
union that is reserved for marriage. This
is the foundation for a strong marriage.
I was once told of a woman who caught her husband in bed with her housemaid. She ran to her mother for succor and she was promptly bundled back to her husband with the clear instruction to go and sleep with her husband because according to her mother, “she must have failed in her marital duties” When the case got to her mother-in-law, the poor wife was advised to carry her cross since the lecherous behavior was hereditary. Her father-in-law behaved like that and so she had to live with it since her mother-in-law was able to manage the situation.
What should a woman do in this kind of situation? Follow her mother’s advice and simply go and have sex with her husband? Would that make her a happy and fulfilled wife? Would that change the husband and make him more responsible, respectful and less adulterous? Does it mean that the fact that the man defiled the matrimonial bed should be overlooked and he should be trusted? As much as I don’t believe that the solution to every marital problem is divorce I equally do not subscribe to the fact that a man is simply excused of his bad behavior and shrugged off as part of being a man. Imagine if a woman was caught in the act? Will the mother advise the son to manage her because it is hereditary and should go home and have sizzling sex with his wife because he failed in his husband's duties? Oh no! The woman becomes the scorn of the society just because it is expected that she is better behaved than her husband. Churches condemn divorce vehemently and
should not even been mentioned or contemplated at all among the Christian fold as
God is against divorce. I want to be pragmatic here. It is clear that God did
not intend for divorce to occur. And also nobody enters into marriage covenant
with the intention to divorce later. Many factors combine to destroy marriage
because we choose to live by the world standard instead of God’s standard. Marriage was designed to be a life-long
commitment. But we all know that it is not the case in our world today. Until
we do it God’s way, we will not be totally free from divorce. This is quite a
pity and unfortunate.
Christ is the only foundation of the church
upon which marriage must be built. Eph 2:21 says “In Christ Jesus all the
building are fitly framed together and grows unto a holy temple in the Lord.” Therefore, foundation
is building boundaries around your life that will withstand the storms of life
when it comes. No foundation no structure; having a godly married life your
foundation should be right and be built on a solid rock (Jesus). You cannot
build your foundation poorly and expect a successful marriage. You build better
foundation by having a goal or vision. Greatness is always prepared for by
laying a very good foundation. You don’t just stumble into greatness. Why didn't God create human with one hand? Why two hands? The reason is that with one hand no one can ever achieve anything meaningful in life. One hand
always bring anguish, frustration and misery because whenever you want to use one hand to do something, you end up not achieving your goal. The two
hands give you the balance, vigor and confidence needed to achieve anything
you set out to do. Let us relate this to marriage. A successful marriage is something
that two people involved must work very hard at building together. Marriage
requires two people who desire to walk the same walk in life, and in the
process build a successful relationship and family life. With one person only
working hard to build the marriage will never achieve the desired goal. In a
marriage setting two persons (man and woman) make a whole and not one person!
There is nothing like, it takes a woman to make a marriage work. It takes both
the man and woman to make it work or there is no marriage!
Finally, what can you do for your
marriage? How can you increase your marital satisfaction and improve your
relationship? The crucial thing is that you have to let go of expecting your
spouse to change and work on yourself. Developing a better marriage begins with
becoming a better spouse yourself! You can't change someone else. You can only
change yourself. And trying to change your spouse will create tension in your
relationship and actually discourage him or her from changing!
