HOW TO COPE WITH DISAPPOINTMENT/BREAKUPS FROM A RELATIONSHIP!

We all know how it feels to have high hopes and then get disappointed. How painful it is too to lose hope in one second or in a single moment. How this relationship meant a lot to you. Disappointment/Breakups from a relationship can shake up one’s life. Your self-esteem can be affected too. It can be difficult to cope with the disappointment from a relationship ending. Your feelings of self-worth are put to the test at this time.  Disappointments/breakups in relationships/friendships are a part of life and moving past them is very important. However, there are some things you can do to keep your spirits up and get over the disappointment. But first;

1.    Do you know why you got disappointed in that relationship?

You got disappointed because you were confident, you got disappointed because you thought that you deserve what you were going after and you got disappointed because you had good expectations. In short, you got disappointed because you are strong! Just think about it, in case that you were one hundred percent sure that you won’t attract that person you were after then you won't have felt disappointed! Only confident people get disappointed in relationships.

2.    How to deal with relationship disappointment?

·         She/he is not the one: one of most popular myths (false believe) among people is believing that there is something called “the one”. If you had more than basic knowledge about the psychology of falling in love, you would have discovered that there is nothing called the one. And reversing your mindset about "the one concept" can help you recover from breakups in no time

• Attachment can delay your recovery: The more you keep yourself attached to your old partner (after the relationship is over) the more you will find it harder to get over relationship disappointment. People attach themselves to old relationships by living on hope, listening to music that reminds them of it and by going to the same places they used to go to together. Am not asking you to lose hope but am just asking you to make sure if there is any hope in returning back or not. If you found no hope then cut the attachment as soon as you can.
• Think of the future: What do you think the effect this event will have on you ten years later? Probably, it will be nothing!! It will become a memory with no associated emotions. Also know that as soon as you get rid of your attachment you will recover and become stronger and a wiser person than before. And in the future this event will only be a part of your experience database.
• See disappointment as a blessing: Sometimes God has a glorious purpose in permitting heartbreak. And we can find clues for this in scripture, for examples; a.That we may be shaped to the likeness of Christ (Rm 8: 29). b.That we may learn to trust (2 cor 1:8-9). c.That we may learn to obey (Psalm 119: 64,71). d.That we may bear fruit (Jn 15:2). That we may reach spiritual maturity (james 1:4)

3.     Reconnect with family and friends.

A romantic relationship sometimes causes the person in the relationship to neglect or give less time to family and friends, so now that your relationship has ended, it is the best time to reconnect with these people again. They can offer fun and a sympathetic ear. Don’t go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, relationships, and overall health. Don’t be afraid to get outside help if you need it.

4.     Do things to make yourself busy.

Sitting around thinking about the relationship and what went wrong only makes things worse.  Start exercising and commit yourself more in studying the word of God.  The word has a soothing and healing power to comfort the broken-hearted. Avoid using anything outside of the word of God to relieve your feelings of pain and loneliness. Make time each day to nurture yourself by scheduling daily time for activities you find calming and soothing. Using alcohol, drugs, or food as an escape is unhealthy and destructive in the long run.

5.     Pamper yourself.

If it's within your financial means, buy that thing you've had your eye on. Take yourself out for a treat. Show yourself a good time. A break up is a highly stressful, life-changing event. When you’re going through the emotional wringer, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The strain and upset of a major breakup can leave you psychologically and physically vulnerable. But learning to take care of yourself can be one of the most valuable lessons you learn following a breakup. As you feel the emotions of your loss and begin learning from your experience, you can resolve to take better care of yourself and make positive choices going forward. 

6.   Be positive.  

 If you want to make changes to your life- healthy, positive changes- then do them for your own sake and to bring glory to God. There are some verses in Habakkuk that are very apt for what God wants us to do in these circumstances.  ‘Though the fig-tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Saviour.’ (Habakkuk 3:17-18). Takes your focus off yourself and give it to God by praising and worshiping Him. Do not be like the person illustrated in psalm 77 crying out in distress, feeling rejected and unloved but have this confident in Psalm 27:13-14 that says, “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”  Resolve to remember the deeds of the Lord and mediate on all His works.

7.   Self-esteem.

Self-esteem is on the thing you are going to address as well. I know you are feeling rejected and unloved following your breakup but don’t ever forget you are loved. God gave His Son for you and wants to spend eternity wit you – that is how much you are loved. Don’t base your worth on your ex’s view of you but rather base it on God’s view of you.

 a. You are a child of God (1 John 3:1).

b. You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).

c. You are a treasured possession (Exodus 19:5).

We are made in God’s image and there is hope in reaching your fullest potential with or without a ‘mate’.

Learning important lessons from a breakup

In times of emotional crisis, there is an opportunity to grow and learn. Just because you are feeling emptiness in your life right now, doesn’t mean that nothing is happening or that things will never change. Consider this period a time-out, a time for sowing the seeds for new growth. You can emerge from this experience knowing yourself better and feeling stronger.  In order to fully accept a breakup and move on, you need to understand what happened and acknowledging the part you played. It’s important to understand how the choices you made affected the relationship. Learning from your mistakes is the key to not repeating them.

Some questions to ask yourself:

a.     Step back and look at the big picture. How did you contribute to the problems of the relationship?

b.     Do you tend to repeat the same mistakes or choose the wrong person in relationship after relationship?

c.      Think about how you react to stress and deal with conflict and insecurities. Could you act in a more constructive way?

d.     Consider whether or not you accept other people the way they are, not the way they could or “should” be.

e.     Examine your negative feelings as a starting point for change. Are you in control of your feelings, or are they in control of you?

Finally, you’ll need to be honest with yourself during this part of the healing process. Try not to dwell on who is to blame or beat yourself up over your mistakes. As you look back on the relationship, you have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, how you relate to others, and the problems you need to work on.  In conclusion, things will always work out best for the people who know how to make best the way things turns out.

HOW SOUND IS YOUR MIND TO SEX?

The Bible states that God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power, love and sound mind. Sound mind is critical at all times when it comes to your belief system because the moment what you believe about sex is wrong, there is no way your sex life can be right.

WHAT IS YOUR DEFINITION OF SEX?

ls your definition of sex God's definition? When asked, most people would probably say that sex is simply intercourse between two people. Many in our society have come to see sex as that narrow definition. Once your definition of sex is faulty, your used of it or concept would be also faulty. Too many people see illicit sex as a secret that may never be revealed while others see it as something everyone else do. Some see it as every man's battle but the sound minded ones know that the difference between your wife's body and the other woman out there is the shame that comes with it when secret is exposed.

Sound minded people know that sex is not just fun or physical exercise. They know that sex is a covenant exchange of life, love and pleasure between the man and the woman in marriage for the purpose of unity, procreation and expression of marital love. No condom can protect once memory from illicit sex so those sounded minded people don't go close to it.  They know that male's semen contain white blood cells and that the life of any flesh is in the blood, so they understand that sex is a transaction that involves a deposit as well as withdrawal.

Sound minded people know enough that the body you use for sex in marriage is a legal body while outside of wedlock is a stolen body. They have the understanding about the fact that the only body that can't lead to scandal is your wife's body. They are sane enough to know that the effect of sex in marriage is good news while out of marriage is bad news.

Every sane person knows that every illicit sex is a transaction and negation or trade by barter where you trade your dignity for her body and your honor for her breast. You trade your peace of mind for sex scandal and your glory for pleasure.

SATAN'S USE OF SEX IN THIS WORLD:-

Satan has used sex in this world to destroy the God-designed sanctity of marriage, working through people's desires, insecurities and ignorance. There are many different reasons people have sex at a young age. Boys and girls may have sex because society promotes it as normal, fun and exciting. They may have sex to try to heal a relationship or to make up for other problems they are having. They might use sex as a way to get affection or to feel loved and connected to someone. Girls or boys may believe they can keep their boyfriend or girlfriend from leaving them by having sex. And sometimes it is simply the case of trusting the wrong people. Just because someone is a "Christian" or "in the Church," doesn't mean he or she will never pressure you to go further than you want to.
Sadly, some people who have already gone down this road believe they've already messed up and lost their virginity and, therefore, God has no use for them. The damage is done and they can't take it back, they reason, so they might as well keep having sex.
Then there is the much too common excuse: "You have to have sex with this person before you get married to him, so you know if you're ‘compatible' or not." Have you ever kissed someone and been reminded, for one reason or another, of someone else you've kissed? Do you want to be thinking of someone else when you are kissing your spouse?
Satan has made it almost impossible to remain pure in this world. He has given us the illusion that sex equals love, that everything we see in the movies—all the hype that surrounds sex—is true. The constant barrage of pornography in our world today is often too enticing for curious boys and girls. These images demean sex and desensitize watchers to the real effects of premarital sex. In 1 John 2:16
 it tells us that the lust of the flesh, what Satan is constantly trying to get us to go after, is not of the Father but of this hurting and damaged world.

GOD'S PURPOSE FOR SEX:-

Is this what God wants for us? Surely not! The apostle Paul wrote in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4 "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you should abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor." Ephesians 5:5 adds, "For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God."God intended sex to be a union of two lives into one (Genesis 2:24), uniting with Him in a covenant bond, not something to be treated lightly. Hebrews 13:4 says, "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge." God intended sex to be a wonderful experience shared between a husband and wife.

The book Song of Solomon shows us that God views sex as a right, wonderful and beautiful intimacy between two people, but only in the right context, which is marriage. When you have sex with someone, you "own" a part of that person. It is God's intention that this only happen within the loving commitment of marriage.

TRUE MEANING OF "TILL DEATH DO US PART"

A wedding ceremony never signifies a start of a new relationship, the same thing that death of a person never means an end of commitment. Let me clarify further that there are two types of death that are applicable in marriage;

Physical Death

Emotional Death

It is not necessary for partners to live to make marriage survive. If emotion is already dead,..when love and respect no longer exist, then union is no longer possible. Whenever emotional death is present, then the term "till death do us part" is already applicable. It means the end of marriage.

However, even if the other partner died physically, if love and commitment is still present on the other person, then marriage is still valid. It is much more difficult for the living to move on because he or she is still committed to his/her emotions. In short, for that specific case, the term "till death do us part" is still not applicable because emotional death is not yet achieve and the feeling remains.

The end of commitment happens only after emotional death. whether both parties are alive or not, when emotional death is achieved, marriage technically will also die.

These, I believe are the compelling reasons why marriage between a living and a deceased is allowed. The term "till death do us part" actually refers to emotional death. it is the reason why Love, Relationship and Commitment last a lifetime and sometime even survive death.

I

at death of a person never means an end of commitment. Let me clarify further that there are two types of death that are applicable in marriage; 

Physical Death and 
Emotional Death 

It is not necessary for partners to live to make marriage survive. If emotion is already dead,.. when love and respect no longer exist, then, union is no longer possible. Whenever emotional death is present, then, the term “till death do us part” is already applicable. It means the end of marriage. 

However, even if the other partner died physically, if love and commitment is still present on the other person, then marriage is still valid. It is much more difficult for the living to move on because he or she is still committed to his/her emotions. In short, for that specific case, the term “till death do us part” is still not applicable because emotional death is not yet achieve and the feeling remains. 

The end of a commitment happens only after emotional death. Whether both parties are alive or not, when emotional death is achieved, marriage technically will also die. 

These, I believe are the compelling reasons why marriage between a living and a deceased is allowed. The term “till death do us part" actually refers to emotional death.  It is the reason why Love, Relationship and Commitment last a lifetime and sometime,…….. even survive Death.

 

HUMAN LOVE!

There is what most of the world thinks of as love, which is human love.  This is not really love; rather in truth it is what we call: “I will love you if you love me back”

How many marriages have ended when one party or the other stopped getting what they wanted from the other person? Whether it was money, affection, attention, etc. the “love” they had for their mate was predicted upon by some kind of reciprocal return.

“Lust” is the training wheel of human love.  Human love is like the bicycle that allows you to move around in the neighborhood enough to learn there is something more than business deals, bargains and contracts.Human love is directed to the other person for his own sake.  It has little regard for truth. It desires the other person, his company, his answering love but it does not serve him.  Human love cannot love an enemy, that is, one who seriously and stubbornly resists it.

Human love makes itself an end in itself.  It creates of itself an idol which it worships, to which it must subject everything else it nurses and cultivates; it loves itself and nothing else in the world.   This type of love is based on empathy, responsibility, commitment, and concern for something. You will also, argue that marriages based on human love always do not have happy endings.  Staying with a person under the same shelter requires a lot of adjustments, patience and understanding from both parties.  Even after you spend hours with each other, situation after marriage is totally different.  At the onset, when two people are in love they are at their best to impress each other.  They behave, they talk and they wear what the other person likes.  It is after marriage that you get to know the person behind the mask.

Man’s emotions are not a reliable gauge upon which to establish a marriage relationship.  Hence, we must know in the spirit that it is God’s will.  It is much better to marry for character than for emotion. Emotions fluctuate, character doesn't. Emotions are in the soulish realm, and unless the carnal mind has been renewed (Born again and be filled with God’s Spirit), Satan can take away his emotion or feelings of love to someone else. If you are looking for someone to marry, you must seek those character and strength that will help you make wise decision and not just physical attraction that will make you feel good before the world.  Not everyone who looks good is pleasant to live with.  Physical attractiveness without discretion will do more harm than good.  Charm is deceptive and beauty is vain but the man and woman that fear the Lord shall be praised and is under the umbrella of God’s constant protection and provision.

The main reason why people make a wrong choice in marriage is the simple fact that when they fail in love initially, it creates emotion that empower “REASONING”.  Too often they hurry to develop an intimate relationship based on their strong feeling.   Feelings aren't enough to support a lasting relationship.  Do not force romance lest the feeling of love develop faster than the commitment to make love last thereby beclouding your sense of judgment and the ability to make a right choice. If you enter into marriage blinded by physical attraction, you will be rudely awaken not long after, when the full character of your spouse becomes evident. The romantic love which brings two people to the marriage alter is not that which successful marriages are built upon.  The kind of love that is truly romantic is that love which is developed during the course of a life together with someone whom you have worked hard with to claim that lasting love.

A marriage without Christ can never experience the spiritual bonding God brings to relationships.  It is good to be married. God created marriage for our enjoyment and He pronounced it good.  Until you are born again and made holy in your heart and conduct, you cannot please God or be a complete blessing to your partner.  You only live together as civil pagans.  Remember, God’s commands have the highest reason and obedience has the greatest sweetness.  Keep the Golden Rule in your marriage.  Righteousness abroad will not excuse wickedness at home.