UNDERSTANDING MARITAL PROBLEMS!

The first step in solving your marital problems  is to recognize that the problem exists. Experiencing conflicts and solving them will make your relationship stronger. All marital problems could and should be solved by understanding. In order to solve the problem you need never look at them. What you need to do is to concentrate on the causes of the problems. Understanding the causes ensures that the problem is solved. The cause of the problem is often beneath not on the surface. Most attempts by couples to solve their marriage problems often dwell on the surface ignoring the root cause of the problem.

You need to uproot the cause to fell the tree of a problem. In our daily lives our problems cry to be understood and we need to pay attention, think positively, and sincerely look  for solutions. For instance you need to understand that nobody is equipped to maintain always that high level of romance or passion that you experienced when you newly wedded. So you must be prepared to handle the changes that will come as time goes by.  Problems don’t come because your partner is bad or you are not good enough. As long as you are in this flesh and blood problems and changes must come. There are no marriages on earth that doesn't have problems  at times. Even your parents had problems perhaps bigger ones and so if you succumb to problems it does not show strength of character but weakness.

Some of the problems you are experiencing is as a result of the distorted ideas you have about marriage. To get a good understanding of marriage issues or challenges always move away from the external or obvious  and examine the root causes. Understand them and the problem is half  solved. Yes you can solve that problem, so don’t quit.

PORNOGRAPHY!

Who says ‘Pornography does not hurt anyone? Porn damages the viewer. Proverbs 6:27 says: ‘Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?’ The implied answer is ‘No.’ Lusting after people with your eyes and thoughts is equivalent to committing the sin with them. Matthew 5:28 says; "But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart". Porn trains you to practice lust and live in a fantasy world. As a result, you burn with a lust that drives you to seek gratification. The memories resulting from your porn activities can last a lifetime and damage your ability to enjoy sex in your marriage.

Pornography also can lead you down the destructive path of perversion. Homosexuality, rape and abuse are just a few of the many possible activities that porn promotes. Porn damages the viewer’s family. For example, your children could be tormented by any evil spirits that are tormenting you, or they may simply get hooked on porn when they stumble across your porn stash of computer files or magazines. Your spouse could be devastated if he/she discovers you have been committing “mental adultery” through porn. He/she may have difficulty ever trusting you again when they discover your secret life. It could take years for you to re-learn how to love your spouse and eliminate the stranglehold lust has on you. You may have to re-learn how to have sex in a loving way, since you have become tuned for lust through porn. 

Pornography, a closet addiction, grabs you when you’re weak and holds you in its clutches. Just one more time, the lie draws you in. One more look, you click your way around the sticky Web. Lost in a fantasy world, porn becomes your focus and your drive. Denying the impact of addiction only covers the pain you are causing to yourself and others.  

Watching pornography together may create more distance between one another, particularly during interpersonal problems.

There are those who are misled into thinking that watching pornography together will build sexual intimacy in marriage. Let us examine this fallacy. 

I think, we all agree that marriage is not always a bed of roses. There are good times and there are bad times. When times are good, a husband and wife may enjoy each other sexually, but when difficult times come, i.e. interpersonal problems, where do you think they may turn to satisfy themselves?

When husband and wife offend each other and when wife is not in a mood to have sex with her husband, there is a great possibility for her husband to turn to porn for some physical satisfaction. He who is used to watch with his wife will now watch alone for his personal pleasure. This may even lead to addiction to porn, even to some extramarital affair, eventually leading to disastrous family life.

You know, sometimes it is the hunger for sexual satisfaction which drives a man to get reconciled with his wife and to please her. Of course, this may not always be the best motive, but there is at least some good in it which unites him again with his wife. I believe, one of the reasons why God has blessed man with "testosterone hormones" [major sex hormones in males] is so that he would always cleave to his wife. 

But pornography may rob this possibility, driving a man to nude images and videos of other women and finally leading to emotional and physical affair with others.

In a marriage relationship wherein a husband and wife look to each other alone for sexual satisfaction—they cannot stay far away from each other for a long time. Sadly, in our present age, many are looking for sexual satisfaction beyond their marriage partner, consequently leading to irreconcilable relationship and family break-up.

Therefore, don’t you think spouses should discourage each other from watching porn, whether watching together or alone? Don't you see pornography creates more distance in marriage than intimacy?

Your eyes are the windows of your soul. What you repeatedly expose yourself to will influence your imagination, your actions, and finally your character. There are three things you need to know about pornography. (1) It’s addictive. “Pornography is more addictive than drugs, and thanks to the First Amendment, it’s getting bigger every day.” (2) It’s selfish. It trains you to see people as playthings to be played with, and all for one purpose —self-gratification. Intimacy, responsibility, and commitment are not even in the picture (or frame). (3) It’s shaming. Unlike the lepers in the Bible, pornography does not ring a bell and cry, “Unclean! Unclean!”

Yet when you fall under its control, you find yourself responding to it in ways that leave you feeling cheapened and unclean. But there’s good news. Every leper who came to Jesus was cleansed; and through His blood you can be cleansed too! Furthermore, you can be empowered by His Spirit to cast down every imagination, and take every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5). 

it’s important to pay attention to the Bible where it says,

“Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of suffering” (1 Peter 5:8-9).

Whether it is you, or someone else you are helping, trying to escape the web of pornography and cybersex, here are additional warnings the Bible gives:

“If someone is caught in sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:1-2).

It’s difficult to even know how to continue with this article. But the best way seems to be to refer you to additional articles written by those who have a lot of knowledge and experience in teaching and helping you with this issue.

WHAT DOES PAUL MEAN BY WHAT HE SAID IN 1 CORINTHIANS 7:39

1 Corinthians 7:39 "A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. If her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but only if he loves the Lord."

This verse of the scripture has been used severally by the churches to buttress the point that God hates divorce and a married women is bound by law to her husband till death do them part.

 Let me clarify further here there are two types of death that are applicable in marriage;

Physical Death and
Emotional Death

Also let’s look at the world “lives” here. It means when one is alive to God or Conscious of God and alive in the spirit. One can also be living but not unto God. In Gen 2:17, God told Adam the day he shall eat of the fruit of the tree of good and evil he shall surely die. He did dead but not physically. It was his human Spirit which corresponds with the nature of God that was dead. He lost God’s consciousness and gained self consciousness. He lost the power to do good and gain the power to do evil. Instead of becoming like God they became unlike God. 

It is not necessary for partners to live to make marriage survive. If emotion is already dead,.. when love and respect no longer exist, then, union is no longer possible. Whenever emotional death is present, then, the term “till death do us part” is already applicable. It means the end of marriage.

However, even if the other partner died physically, if love and commitment is still present on the other person, then marriage is still valid. It is much more difficult for the living to move on because he or she is still committed to his/her emotions. In short, for that specific case, the term “till death do us part” is still not applicable because emotional death is not yet achieve and the feeling remains.

The end of a commitment happens only after emotional death. Whether both parties are alive or not, when emotional death is achieved, marriage technically will also die.

These, I believe are the compelling reasons why marriage between a living and a deceased is allowed. The term “till death do us part" actually refers to emotional death. It is the reason why Love, Relationship and Commitment last a lifetime and sometime,…….. even survive Death.

GOD JOINS ALL MARRIAGES TOGETHER

Many people especially in the Christian folds, do not believe that all marriages are joined by God. They support their claim on what Paul said in 2 Corinthians 6 :14-15 which says, "Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? 15 What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil*? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever?".

God's purpose was that two people come together as one and made one by an act of commitment followed by sexual union and should continue until death separate them. It is by the act of sexual union that a man and a woman are made one, joined together in the act by God. God's law of marriage applies to all men whether they are Christians or not, because all will stand before the judgement seat of Christ one day and give an account of the things the have done in the body as said in 2 cor.5:10,"For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body". 

When we look at the Bible teaching on marriage as mentioned by Jesus in Matt 19:5-6, "And he said, ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’* 6 Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together”. God joins marriages between man and a woman together. God said in gen 2:24, that when a man and woman leave their parents and are married for the first time it is acceptable to God. Once they are married, God has joined them together. no man can separate them. This is God's law of marriage. God emphasizes that this union is not made by man but by God. Does this refers only to a christian marriage? If that were true, then all non-Christian marriages would not be marriages, they would simply be a man and woman living together in an adulterous relationship. when two people are joined in a marriage and consummate that relationship in the marriage  bed, it is a union made by God. Even the marriage that was consummated as an act of rebellion against God is still a marriage which God has made into an indissoluble union. 

This does not make God guilty of sin because He cannot sin. Rather, in accomplishing His divine purpose, God utilizes the sinful desires of man. For example, God allowed the brothers of Joseph to commit the dastardly crime of selling their younger brother into slavery so that later, Joseph, as Prime Minister of Egypt, would be able to save them from starvation. Likewise, God can utilize a sinfully contracted marriage for His own purposes. God informs us that once a marriage is consummated, a union has come into being by the action of God. 

In 2 Corinthians 6:14-15, Paul urges believers to not form partnership with unbelievers because this might weaken their Christian commitment. It would be a mismatch. He wanted believers to be active in their witness for Christ to unbelievers but not lock themselves into personal or business relationship that could cause them to compromise their faith. Christians are not to marry unbelievers to avoid situations that could force them to divide their loyalties.

Therefore, the difference between Genesis 1:24 and 2 Corinthians 6: 14-15 is that the former is a union made by God between two people and it applies to all men, and the later is a relationship with God not to be compromised and it applies to all believers only.

LET NO MAN PUT ASUNDER WHAT GOD HAS JOINED TOGETHER!

Who is the Man?

“Is it lawful for a MAN to divorce...” (Matthew 19:3).

“Therefore what God has joined together, let no MAN put asunder [ apart ]” (Matthew 19:6b).

Who is this “man”? Who is the one promoting the separation? Can anybody outside the marriage divorce the husband and wife if they themselves did not want to be divorced? Of course not! You may be able to physically separate the husband and wife from each other, but not the marriage or “oneness” that they possess in their hearts. The “man” in Matthew 19:3b, 6b are the marriage partners. “Therefore what God has joined together, let not ...[the marriage partners] ...separate” (Matthew 19:6b). The Scripture is saying, concerning a God-ordained marriage, not to let the original desire to separate or divorce, grow out of the husband's or wife's heart. The Scripture does NOT say, “therefore what God has joined together, let not GOD separate,” but “let not man (the marriage partners) separate” out of self-gratification.

There is a vast difference between us doing something from our own self-gratification, and us carrying out the loving will of our heavenly Father. The very actions themselves that we carry out may appear to “look” the same, but the unseen part that makes the difference between a sinful act and a righteous act, is the desire of your heart. DIVORCE ITSELF IS NOT WRONG, BUT WHEN IT’S USED FOR SELFISH PLEASURE, IT IS!

God Brings Together and God Pulls Apart

We act as though we believe that once God has “joined together” a man and a woman, that He somehow loses His sovereign position as God, and cannot separate the two if the situation warrants it. As we have just read from Ezra and Nehemiah, that is just not so. God is God! For “...He has mercy on whom He wills, and whom He wills He hardens” (Romans 9:18). (See also Exodus 33:19.)

We see God using His sovereign right to remove the kingdom, a type of family headship, from one of the greatest kings ever: Solomon. “[For] ...King Solomon loved many foreign women ...[For] ...the Lord had said to the children of Israel, ‘YOU SHALL NOT INTERMARRY WITH THEM, NOR THEY WITH YOU. Surely they will turn away your hearts after their gods...’ So the Lord became angry with Solomon because his heart had turned from the Lord God of Israel. Therefore the Lord said to Solomon, ‘BECAUSE YOU HAVE DONE THIS [married against My will], and have not kept My covenant and My statutes, which I have commanded you, I WILL SURELY TEAR THE KINGDOM AWAY FROM YOU and give it to your servant’” (1Kings 11:1,2,9,11).

It has been wrongly taught that breaking a marriage covenant should NEVER be done. But we forget that God is jealous for a righteous holy-living people. When we join into covenant agreements that fly right in the face of His will, be assured that He will expect us to correct it; not just to keep on going as if nothing had happened and ask Him to “bless” it.

The vow, “to death do us part” that we make at our wedding is not found in the Bible. We can’t even keep ourselves by our OWN strength in the love of God, and yet we are going to commit ourselves to love someone else forever? A scriptural vow that would be more appropriate to promise one another on our wedding day would be: “By the GRACE OF GOD, AND THROUGH HIS STRENGTH, I GIVE myself to you all the days of my life, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish....” For in ourselves we are weak.

However, because of being born again into Christ, we CAN do all things through Christ who gives us the strength through His grace (See Philippians 4:13). As we yield our heart to God, everyday His glorious love will flow from Him, through us, and to our mate. The only thing that will ever separate our hearts on this earth is when we pass on to meet our Maker.

The Scripture that says for us to, “have no other gods before [you]” (Exodus 20:3) deals with relationship. For RELATIONSHIP IS COVENANT! Therefore, if there is a relationship in our life that we want more than what the Lord God wants us to have, we are in covenant relationship outside of His will. When God’s relationship with us is interfered with by another relationship, He will ask us to make the proper adjustments in our heart or break the relationship. If we won’t give the relationship its proper place or separate on our own, He Himself will start the process for it to break. The very bonds of the relationship will start to crumble and many times, it isn’t pleasant.

That’s what happened to King Solomon; “...because you have done this [you entered a marriage covenant you weren’t supposed to], and have not kept MY covenant ...I will surely tear the kingdom away from you...” (1Kings 11:11). God, in revealing the steadfastness of His heart, used King Solomon as an example to the future generations.